Sleepless in Wenham

Orientation is insane, that is for sure. I have been through a week of training and now I have my group of kids that I get to watch over and guide through the first initial days and weeks of the college life. It is overwhelming and all volunteer work. And I love it. I have met so many great people and I have gained a lot of confidence about meeting new people and being outgoing. I am somewhat shy and timid, but orientation has made me step out of that comfort zone. There are many things that would have bothered me before that don't bother me anymore. I am able to do anything!

Just thought I would say that and how much I am enjoying this experience and this opportunity to serve God in such a servant-like position. This is what God called me to do... be a servant to Him and His people. And I will do it until the day I die.

Wisdom

Volumes and volumes

They are barely used anymore

Precious books with gallant tales

Unlocked doors with the keys inside

Treasures for the wisdom they hold

Wisdom our mouths could never tell

Whispers our ears could never hear

Do not tell me what they say

For they speak for themselves

Our words cannot trap theirs

And neither can our interpretations

We gather them like gold

Stowing them away like secrets

Even though all we ever needed

Is all they contain

How the world should be turning

As opposed to it's modern day spiral

~ ECD

Vintage People

All the vintage people

Peeking behind sterile eyes

In their brown tattered photos

Still as can be

Waiting

They wait for the light to flash

Sighing in relief that their time has come

To be trapped in time

For just a moment

To be caught in eternal life

Framed, for generations to see

Their vintage selves

Amidst the fabrics of space

~ ECD

Time

So I guess time really does make a difference in the case of some things. When in the middle of something we always think we are in the best or worst of times. But honestly, is it really that bad?

We move on, we get over things, we put our past behind us. We learn. We mature. We grow. Sometimes it takes a while to recognize that and sometimes we want to deny it. Growing up seems scary, but everyone has to do it at some point. You don't want to be the one everyone is saying never matured in their life.

Everyone has their vices and everyone has their strengths. We all just need to learn how to use them to our benefit. God made us all with an intention and our lives consist of us trying to get that intention to come out. We want to glorify Him through our short time here.

I know that in my life there have been things that would have been better left out. However, these events have made me strong and have made me tough. I know I can take anything thrown at me, even if in the moment I don't believe that. I conquered my fears.

Truth and the Lies that hide inbetween

Isn't it funny how music brings out raw emotion and the feelings you want to express but can't? I am always amazed at how truthful music is and how I always seem to relate to it in an intense way. Like, an artist can sing one line and it describes an entire emotion for me. I want to reach into my speakers, grab them, and pull them back with me. I want them to tell me exactly what they meant and how the heck did they get so smart that they know all this stuff???

One singer that I find especially blunt with his lyrics is Jonny Craig. Now, what's funny about this whole thing is that Sir Craig is not a Christian, and I am. Non-Christians don't bother me at all, but it's funny that maybe I would find some inklings of inspiration from someone with completely different beliefs than me. But his songs are honest and they speak the truth about certain things that we encounter everyday. He makes my soul crave more from God and from my own self. He makes me want to discover more about life and how to deal with certain situations, people, events, etc. I hear his voice and I'm locked in, hooked, can't get out.

Whoever decided to publish Donald Miller was a genius. I am currently reading his book Searching for God Knows What and I am constantly finding myself agreeing with all of his theories and evaluations of society. We feed ourselves lies about a lifeboat where we are all trying to get a spot in the lifeboat. We all want to be important enough to get a spot in this stupid boat. Everything we do is for the approval of others. How pathetic is that? But, because of the Fall and our lack of knowledge of how much God loves us and yada yada yada, we seek all this approval from people... who are just like us... and have no greater importance than us. We starve for attention and smiles from our peers when it really doesn't matter.

We think that the truth is that we should be on our best behavior for everyone else. But that is also the lie. God is the only one we need to perform for.

But why perform? Why not just do? Why can't we just do what we do because that is what we are good at or what we enjoy or whatever. God made us all a certain way because that is the best way we function. That is our calling, that is our mode.

Maybe we should look in between the silly lines we form and see what really lies inside. What do we really want to see and what do we really believe.

Did anyone ever think of the people who would sacrifice themselves in the lifeboat? The people who were selfless and never really cared about the lifeboat at all? What are these people doing in their everyday life that makes them the brave ones?

So many things to think. So many things to put into perspective.

Blindside

I just finished watching the Blindside for the first time and absolutely loved it!! Sandra Bullock is such an amazing actress and the story was so beautiful. Watching the tale of Michael unfold was breathtaking and only made me even more determined to work in missions when I graduate.

As I have previously mentioned, I led a missions trip to Mississippi through my school this past spring break to the organization In His Steps Ministries. They help the surrounding area of Canton, MS and try to provide a faith-based vocation and work ethic. I was honored and blessed to get to know the people that I did and God truly showed me His glory through the new friends that I met. If I could go back tomorrow, I would not hesitate to say yes.

Watching the Blindside reminded me of what I saw in Mississippi and the feeling I got as we drove through the Saw Mill Quarters, which is a poverty stricken area in Canton full of violence, addiction, and negativity. My heart beat through my rib cage and ripped out of my chest at the sight of people sitting on their porches or crowding around street corners. God left His mark on me that day and I will never be the same. Watching this movie only reminded me once again of the gapping hole in my chest, reminding me that my blood was pouring out for these people. I could not gasp enough, I could not stop the bleeding, it was like the love could not be held back. I left a part of my heart in Mississippi and I count the days until I can return.

Missions is not just a phase sort of thing that I am interested in for the moment. This is a lifestyle and I want to live it. I want to give all I have to all the people I can. Sandra Bullock's character reminded me of what it was to be sacrificial and self-less. She was extremely blessed and used her blessings to help Michael in any way she could. She believed in him! She believed in a boy that no one else believed in. And because of her faith, he grew and flourished. I feel as though in Mississippi, some people feel as though there is no hope, there is not way out. But, there is. I believe in the people of Mississippi. I believe that if I can impact at least one person, I have done something right. Just by belief alone, one can move mountains. The people of Mississippi can escape the cycle they find themselves in. They can break free.

What I want to share is compassion. Compassion is not easy and compassion is not always pretty. But compassion is strong and compassion is tough. It looks a challenge in the face and accepts, no matter what. Compassion drives us to do crazy things. Compassion is LOVE.

We must love the people we do not know. We must care for those that do not know what we do. There is always hope and there is always a better way. I love Mississippi because I have so much hope for it. Any area that is looked down upon, I have hope for. Where others see disaster, I see beauty. I am blessed to go down to Mississippi. And I am blessed for all I have. I want to share what good gifts God has given me and build up what everyone else wants to tear down.

I see the beauty in negative spaces and oh, it is glorious.

Ball and Chains

I am beginning to realize that I miss Assisi a lot. I miss the carefree culture and the simple way of life. I never used my cell phone... I mean, I really couldn't because it isn't compatible internationally. But I really enjoyed being away from my phone! It was nice to not be constantly checking it and seeing if anyone left me a message or I missed a call. I felt so free and open. No chains could bind me down to... people?

Now I have a new phone and once again, it is right by my side like a faithful companion. Only problem is that I really do not do well with this faithful companion. It's clingy. I can't really deal with that all the time. I have to be independent and free, not attached to my phone.

I used to neglect my phone actually. My manager at my first job would try and call me to let me know about my shifts and I always seemed to have my phone somewhere else. Now that I'm in college though, I always seem to need my phone on me just in case. I mean, I am the one with the car. You never know when someone is going to need a Starbucks run. And in that case, I am not one to argue. That means it's serious.

We are so dependent of technology in America. In Italy I did not feel that pressure to be constantly checking my facebook, email, phone, etc. Ugh... way to much. I got to it when I got to it, no questions asked. Italy was a place to free fall. I could just BE. I could just absorb the culture and soak in the beauty without my phone interrupting me. How fantastic it felt. I do miss Assisi, Rome, Italy in general. And I am going to go back someday. There is no doubt. I love it and a piece of my heart will always belong there. I fell in love the moment I got into Assisi. Absolute love. America is my house, but Italy is my home.